Comfort When You Need it Most

By Kris HOLT


111 (17:30):

Thank you for registering the death of Mr E Smith with Deathcom at 18:00 on 13-10-14.  We’re very sorry for your loss, and we realise that notifying all relevant parties about the deceased can be overwhelming at this time of grief.  We’re here to support you through that process.

Deathcom – comfort when you need it the most.

+441345767521 (17:41):
My name is Edward Smith and there appears to be some sort of mix up.  I’m certainly still alive and so are all my family members (I even rang round to check!)  So thank you, but I have no further need of your services.

111 (17:42):
It’s entirely reasonable that at a time like this, people can try to put a brave face on things.  Deathcom can help you identify bereavement counselling specialists in your area.

+441345767521 (17:43):
That won’t be necessary.  Please refer to my previous message.

111 (17:43):
One of the primary considerations at this time is provision for the family of the deceased.  Deathcom can connect you to local solicitors, including experts in intestacy law.

+441345767521 (17:45):
I already have a solicitor, a will, and as I said, I’m not dead.  Your information is wrong.  You must have me confused with someone else.

111 (17:46):
We understand from our records that Mr Smith was separated from his partner.  Sometimes, in cases of spousal breakdown, a lack of testamentary capacity can be used as grounds to contest a will.  If this is relevant to your situation, please let us know and Deathcom can arrange an appointment with a specialist.

+441345767521 (17:48):
Not that it’s any of your business, but Julie and I reconciled recently.  Her new man had an awful temper and wouldn’t take no for an answer.  I’ve had to take a restraining order out against him.  But Julie and I have moved on and now we’re working on rebuilding our relationship.

111 (17:49):
We’ve been informed that the matter of Mr Smith’s former property has been referred to the Land Registry for a decision following a familial disagreement about ownership.  Contact numbers for the relevant offices are available from Deathcom on request.

+441345767521 (17:51):
I don’t need the numbers.  You refer to my current property, not my former property, as I remind you once again that I AM NOT DEAD.  The property was held for me in trust and it passed to me in entirety last month.  My brother and sister can do what they like, but they are quite reprehensible characters and they can both go hang as far as I’m concerned.

111 (17:51):
We further understand that Mr Smith was subject to several outstanding court orders for unpaid debts, including a sum of several hundred thousand pounds to a former business partner.  There are special procedures to observe in the event of an estate of this size.  If you request it, Deathcom will guide you seamlessly through the court and estate reclaim processes.

+441345767521 (17:53):
You need to update your records.  The whole business with the money has been settled in my favour.  It was a misunderstanding, and a very unpleasant one.  It’s been incredibly stressful for me, and I’m finding that this discussion is only making matters worse.  I insist that you drop this matter and don’t contact me again.

111 (17:54):
At a time when emotions are running unchecked, it can often be helpful to take a break from a stressful situation.  If you are interested in getting away, Deathcom can link you to local transport providers immediately.

+441345767521 (17:54):
This is nonsense.  All you are is a glorified advertising service for local businesses.  I don’t want any more messages from you.

111 (17:55):
Please note that you can unsubscribe from our services at any time by texting us the word, ‘STOP’.

+441345767521 (17:55):
Your entire service is useless.  I just looked at your initial message.  Today is October 13th, and it’s only 5.55pm now.  So to top it off, you can’t even get the time right.

+441345767521 (17:57):

+441345767521 (17:58):

+441345767521 (17:59):

111 (18:00):
We realise that the violent manner of Mr Smith’s death must have resulted in extra trauma for his loved ones.  We understand that his brutal, senseless murder at the hands of person or persons unknown must have been shocking for all of you.  The particularly messy nature of the scene suggests that you could benefit from specialist cleaners, and Deathcom can arrange this on your behalf.

111 (18:01):
You have chosen to UNSUBSCRIBE from this service.  Thank you for using Deathcom – comfort when you need it the most.

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